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November 2008

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Miscarriage

About three months ago, I got a positive pregnancy test...and yesterday morning at just after midnight, I started bleeding...and then dropped a chunk of bloody flesh the size of my palm. It was the first of many, though the next five came out at the hospital..and the rest here. I had a regular and a vaginal ultrasound, and...they said there's nothing left in there...my baby is gone.

I have a prescription for antibiotics, which I will get after I finish writing this...and one for painkillers, which I will get but not use. Although Eric and Joni think I should have them "just in case" other than the csection I had, I've never needed painkillers for anything but a migraine...and I hate taking drugs anyway. I have no intentions whatsoever of taking them. My pain tolerance is high, and while the cramps were/are uncomfortable...I can deal with them. That's why I've been up since 4am.

I'm getting a cheap camera to use to take pictures...and I'm going to write a ritual of goodbye, and then freeze the bits until I can plant them with a tree. I'll do the ritual tonight, which means writing it after I get back with the abx and the camera.

As long as I don't think about it, I'm generally ok...and I've had so much practice "putting it away" in regards to things I don't want to think/feel, its almost second nature.

I'll pick out a name, too, for the burial.

*ss*

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