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Nov. 8th, 2008

Miscarriage

About three months ago, I got a positive pregnancy test...and yesterday morning at just after midnight, I started bleeding...and then dropped a chunk of bloody flesh the size of my palm. It was the first of many, though the next five came out at the hospital..and the rest here. I had a regular and a vaginal ultrasound, and...they said there's nothing left in there...my baby is gone.

I have a prescription for antibiotics, which I will get after I finish writing this...and one for painkillers, which I will get but not use. Although Eric and Joni think I should have them "just in case" other than the csection I had, I've never needed painkillers for anything but a migraine...and I hate taking drugs anyway. I have no intentions whatsoever of taking them. My pain tolerance is high, and while the cramps were/are uncomfortable...I can deal with them. That's why I've been up since 4am.

I'm getting a cheap camera to use to take pictures...and I'm going to write a ritual of goodbye, and then freeze the bits until I can plant them with a tree. I'll do the ritual tonight, which means writing it after I get back with the abx and the camera.

As long as I don't think about it, I'm generally ok...and I've had so much practice "putting it away" in regards to things I don't want to think/feel, its almost second nature.

I'll pick out a name, too, for the burial.

*ss*

Jun. 20th, 2008

What I want...

I want...to be snuggled with. It gets really old, only snuggling against someone, who considers it too much of a hassle to lay facing me.

...good communication. I hate always monitoring what I say, in order to avoid my SO overreacting and jumping to conclusions.

...trust. OK, I admit I don't completely trust anyone, but I like...or rather, would like...to be able to trust my SO to respect my privacy, not to read private journal entries without permission.

...to feel attractive. I'm a flirt, I freely admit to it. I like feeling like I'm attractive to people with whom I can't be considered a habit. People I find attractive. In my relationship with my SO I like them to treat me like they want me....not necessarily automatically trying to get me into bed (or wherever, creativity can be fun) all the time, but...little things here and there, at least. I'm not quite comfortable with listing them right now, but...*ss*

...great sex, maybe even occasionally an orgasm I haven't given myself. OK this is not saving the best for last, sex is not the make or break of a relationship...but...ok well I really shouldn't go further into this. It would be extremely mean and personal.

...someone who loves me for ME. I need my SO to understand that just because they don't like something I say, or one of my opinions, I'm not necessarily going to change it for them, if it accurately expresses how I feel. That doesn't mean I don't love them, it just means...I am ME, not them, or anyone under their control. I call things as I see them, and that doesn't always go over well. My nature is also not going to change for anyone else, I'm sorry. I am a healer/protector by nature, and there are going to be some healing methods that may not be ok with my SO. That will not necessarily stop me from using them. Also, I love a lot of people. I am polyamorous. I may not have more than a friends with benefits type relationship with some of the people, or may not want more than that, but...I still love them. If my SO can't handle that, there's a problem. It doesnt' mean I love them less, or want to be with them less, it's just part of who I am. I'm FELINE. >.<

...someone who isn't going to leave me when the going gets a little tough, or threaten to. I'm sorry, if the relationship is worth so little to my SO, they shouldn't have gotten into it with me. This SHOULD be "common sense."

May. 9th, 2008

High Risk Lovemaking

HUSBAND and WIFE passionately take off each other's clothes. WIFE reacts with alarm to HUSBAND's potbelly.

WIFE: How many French fries did you eat tonight?!

HUSBAND: Oh, about 200 . . .

WIFE: How many have you eaten since childhood?

HUSBAND: Uh, I don't know.

WIFE: You could die of a heart attack at any time! You could die tonight while we're making high-aerobic love! And I could die from a broken rib, you're so heavy!

HUSBAND: I've gained a lot of weight since high school.

WIFE: I don't think a heart attack for you or a punctured lung for me sounds too good, do you?

HUSBAND: No.

WIFE: I think our lovemaking has become just too risky, dear. I've been thinking . . .

HUSBAND: You have?

WIFE: Actually, no. I haven't been thinking. I've been talking with my friends. And my friends say that the best thing to do in a high-risk lovemaking situation is to go to the hospital.

HUSBAND: Huh?

WIFE: We're talking about life-threatening love, here, honey! Our home has become too dangerous for us safely to engage in our usual acrobatic sacred union. What better place than the hospital to make worry-free gymnastic love?

HUSBAND: Uh . . .

WIFE: We'll pack our things, bundle ourselves in the car, and drive to the hospital! It'll be fun, like a camping trip! We'll rent one of those hygienic operating rooms for two or three hours. Professionals will be bustling about on errands of mercy, and you and I will descend into our animal selves. Are we a zebra? Are we a lion? Nurses to take care of our every need! "Have a glass of water" . . . "Have some anesthesia." I think it would be just plain foolish to suffer painful injury just because we didn't bite the financial bullet and hire the necessary technicians to stand guard over our chandelier-swinging copulations.

HUSBAND: Uh . . .

WIFE: And once we feel truly safe – as one always does in the hospital – we can plumb the deep depths of our sexual natures! We can push the envelope of the sexual experience in a way that's impossible for fearful home-bound lovers to do! We can create our own Kama Sutra! We'll call it Calmly Sutured! Wow, I just made that up! I'm a neologist as well as an ideologue! ha ha! I've always loved the feel of starched sheets on my bare bottom! Talk about primal! I'm getting excited just thinking about hospital love!

HUSBAND: Honey?

WIFE: Yes?

HUSBAND: Uh . . .

WIFE: Could you hurry up? Our sex lives are ticking away!

HUSBAND: The thing is . . . I don't know if I can make love with strangers watching.

WIFE: Strangers!! They're not strangers, dear, they're professionals! Anyway, if you can't get it up, we'll just have you induced.

HUSBAND: Induced?

WIFE: Jody's husband gets shots. But you can have pills. Whatever. Any drug will do to get the "engine" running! Just stick your butt in the air or lie on your back and open your mouth, and five minutes later you're ready to roll! And if the drugs don't work, one of the surgeons can make a little cut in your penis . . .

HUSBAND: Uh . . .

WIFE: Not a big cut, dear, just a little cut. A little cut to insert a state-of-the-art inflation device. Some quick stitches, pump you up, and you're ready to go! There are all sorts of things doctors can do these days to keep your pathological shyness from ruining our sex lives. It's the technological age!

HUSBAND: You know, honey, the more I think about it, the more the idea of making love in our own bed sounds pretty good.

WIFE: But we're high risk, darling! Can't you see? We shouldn't have to miss out on all that safety just because you want to make love in your comfy old bed! Why do you think lovemaking technology exists in the first place? So people can ignore it and have sex at home? We have to take advantage of our high-tech culture's arsenal of drugs, tools, and procedures for the betterment of the health of love! We have to be modern!

HUSBAND: What if I get an infection from that "little cut"?

WIFE: Don't worry about it!

HUSBAND: Oh. Okay. But how risky is my potbelly, really?

WIFE: It's not just your potbelly, dear, it's the whole gamut! Anything can happen! We could fall off the bed and get concussions! We could die! There are all sorts of ways to see home-based love as high risk.

HUSBAND: Okay, well, let's say we did make love in the hospital. Do you think the staff would let us dim the lights?

WIFE: Of course not! How would they know when to intervene if they couldn't see every inch of our flesh at all times? How would they know what tools to ready, what machines to switch on, what lotions to warm, if they couldn't witness every detail of our lovemaking sessions from every angle, acute and obtuse? Call me an exhibitionist, but I think you'll have to agree that it would be downright dangerous not to have the brightest possible fluorescent lights illuminating our deepest crevices and offering for public view our every conjugal entanglement. Do you remember that night when you hit me in the eye with your elbow?

HUSBAND: I regret it to this day.

WIFE: It's just not safe to make the beast with two backs without some serious medical technology around! Even the Bible says sex is dangerous!

HUSBAND: It does?

WIFE: Phyllis said so. Anyway, if we're able to avoid the perils of high-risk lovemaking, we're not just helping ourselves, we're helping others. Think of our children! Where would they be if we got injured or died during one of our nightly cucarachas? Black eyes! Broken ribs! Cardiac arrests! In the hospital, if my heart stops during one of my myriad bone-cracking orgasms, the nurses can just jam one of those big needles into my chest! Don't you see? The hospital institution is our culture's answer to the phenomenal dangers of hot sex! They have ice packs and everything! I can honestly say that I look forward to atrial dysfunction, and its attendant loss of consciousness, so that I can be magically revived by cutting-edge technology!

HUSBAND: Dear, I guess I just have to say that, after much thought, I'm not really ready for hospital lovemaking.

WIFE: Then we're never having sex again.

HUSBAND: I'll pack my jockstrap.

WIFE: The sweaty one from high school? I adore it! I'll pack my cheerleading outfit! Remember that night?

HUSBAND: It burns in my mind.

WIFE: I truly admire your newfound devotion to copulatory technology, honey. You're a man of your age.

HUSBAND: You're my inspiration, darling.

WIFE: I can't wait to find out what the nurses think of your jockstrap! Now, let's get to the hospital and have some really hot, really safe, sex!

(The above mini-play is excerpted from the chapter, "You're not fooled by the term 'high risk,'" in Jock Doubleday's book, Spontaneous Creation: 101 Reasons Not to Have Your Baby in a Hospital, Vol. 1: A Book about Natural Childbirth and the Birth of Wisdom and Power in Childbearing Women http://www.SpontaneousCreation.org)

Feb. 12th, 2008

FyreKat 104: Me as a mum

I believe in doing almost everything important at home. I believe in unassisted pregnancy (taking care of oneself, that is…in an educated fashion), unassisted birth (freedom to birth as I see fit, in whatever position feels right at the time, without anyone telling me when to push or how to breathe or what I can or can’t have…no monitors, no checking…nothing. Just me, and hopefully my bondmate, and maybe any other children I have at the time, depending on them…having the appropriate remedies for hemorrhaging, or any other emergency type thing on hand, and understanding that while a transfer to a hospital may become necessary, it is nowhere near as likely as people think…I have educated and continue to educate myself on the subject), home holistic health care (once again, taking care of myself and my family in an educated fashion, preferably with as little drugs as possible), unschooling (assisting in the education of my children, in their areas of interest…keeping faith in the fact that knowledge in advanced life based subjects requires knowledge in basic ones)…things of that nature. When I get my son back, I have no intentions of enrolling him in school. If possible, I will also avoid enrolling him in daycare. Me being a student does not require me to have him anywhere else other than with me or trusted friends and family. My doctorate, when I get it, will not require any different.

There is a saying … I forget who said it, I’ll find it at some other time…that if one child takes up all your time, 6 cannot take up any more. I want a huge family, I have even been known to tell people I’ll be ready to stop having children when I’m ready to stop making them. *weg* Pregnancy is not an illness, and birth does not have to be painful, or medically involved. My csection was painful, because the drugs did not fully work. My 27 hours of induced labor were not painful, the contractions were merely uncomfortable. Had I been more educated, I would have just stayed home and had a bath or shower. >.< Cesarean sections are surgical extractions, not births. I have a son, who I carried with me for about 9 months, but I did not give birth to him. He was surgically extracted. If I can help it, I will never return to the hospital for birth or any other reason for myself.

*stops ranting for now*

FyreKat 103: Friends and Family

Since my friends and family contribute to my sense of self, they get honorable mention type stuff here. For privacy/security purposes, mostly nicknames are used.

Rowena - best friend, roommate, girlfriend…roles change frequently. We have a lot in common in our viewpoints on many things.

J’ryk - her husband, my friend, roommate…we are bonded, but not in a standard bondmate way that him and Rowena are. I think I had more of a pet type role in a past life with them.

Aiden - my son, though my mother has custody right now, until I can find a way to support him down here. I love and miss him a lot.

Mom - we will likely never be best friends, and subjects like religion are best avoided, but I trust her well enough with my son - for now.

Neil - my boyfriend, and roommate. He is the dominant sort, but I am too feline to always make things easy.

Rhino - Sexy online buddy, knew him in a few past lives.

Ken - long time family friend, my ex-boyfriend, still friend.

Jen - we met on the empowered childbirth list, and have been through a fair bit together (vicariously online, but still…)

OK, I think that’s everyone I converse with on a semi-regular basis.

FyreKat 102: My hobbies and interests

I almost started writing about my complicated love life, but decided to save that for later. *raspberries* NO NOOKIE FOR YOU! Yet. hehe.

Anyway, I'm saving family and friends for a different post, so that leaves...

Music. While I can play some piano, and I used to be able to play violin...I don't have either one of those here, so that leaves listening to and singing along with it. Depending on my mood/inclination, I like Sarah McLachlan, Inkubus Sukkubus, Mariah Carey, Gaia Consort, Faun, Three Doors Down, Third Eye Blind, Evanescence, Kelly Clarkson, Joss Stone, Dark Lotus, Hinder, Rihanna...and the list goes on past where I feel like listing. :P I also have been known to use music as a kind of fuel, or "juice" as I call it, for my majick.

Reading. I enjoy witchy and otherkin/shape shifter fiction, particularly romances...though werewolves have become a sensitive subject. Authors in this genre/whatever I like are Yasmine Galenorn, Kim Harrison, Allyson James, and I've recently started reading a book by Rachel Vincent about werecats.

Studying. I want to get my doctorate in natural health, and specialise in pregnancy/birth, so I want to study midwifery, too.

Gaming. I play Dark Throne, World of Warcraft, Everquest, The Sims, and once upon a time I used to play Dark Ages of Camelot. For those not geeky enough to know, those are computer games. Warcrack, Evercrack, and DAoC are Massively Multiplayer Online RPG’s. Eventually I would like to try City of Heroes/Villains. Gamecube I own, but I don’t play very often. I like the X-Men games, and pokemon. PS2 I share with Neil. We have Dark Cloud 1 and 2, Baldurs Gate: Dark Alliance, Everquest, and some others. Once upon a time I also used to play Marvel’s tabletop RPG. I miss it.

(to be continued)

FyreKat 101: My Faith and Spirituality

I am a witch. There, I said it. If you don't like it, you can go read someone else's blog.

I practice healing majick. In person, online, or over the phone I can heal pain. Not everyone is sensitive to my energies, though a few darker - oriented people have been known to have unpleasant reactions to it. I have healed migraines, chronic pain, back pain, and general achiness. There's probably more, but I don't remember.

I practice protective majick. I specialise in shields. I've been told I'm pretty good. I put shields around friends who are empathic so that they aren't bombarded with the emotions of others. I put a shield on a friend of mine to hide her and her unborn from a Hunter who was after them.

I occasionally practice lust majick. My owner and I have a very strong bond which allows for long distance teasing/emotional communication no matter where I am or what I'm doing. With certain people I am close to, or have a bond/connection with, I have been known to Send smells or tastes.

I serve Bastet, Egyptian goddess of pleasure and fertility, and guardian (in battle) of pharoahs. I have a strong affinity to cats, and believe that I had several past lives as one of Her children. That is not up for debate. I am hoping to learn Ancient Egyptian one day, as well as more about Her, Her family, and how to serve Her better.

I also serve Gaia, the earth mother. I enjoy working with the earth, tending to plants, and trying to keep Her green and blue places clean of trash and litter.

I use divination. I read runes, goddess oracle cards, and celtic oracle cards. I also have some small oracle ability of my own.

I am learning kitchen witchery. Sooner or later I'm going to dig around in my girlfriends collection of witchy books (they haven't been unpacked yet - we need more bookshelves) for some books on the subject.

May. 5th, 2007

fae ttc dream

I was some sort of fae, trying to get pregnant. It was for my species, I was the most motherly type. My species was dying out/being taken over. There was the tech option of an injection (vaginal), but I wasn't supposed to let anyone see me use it. Where I was, mostly, was crowded, so I went to one of the Old places. A pool, with faerie fountains. Somehow plans got messed up, and I remember being led back by a strange man - skinny with shoulder length flyaway hair - to the pool, where the original fountain was dry. I remember feeling like I failed, and I remember one of the fountains was dry, which ticked me off, so I levitated slightly above the pool (my feet were still in it) and used my power to bring water back to that fountain. I could see the fae spirits - there were three - reappear as the water came back. I had the ability to phase shift and become unnoticeable. A black guy was my last chance in the dream for me to get pregnant, but he let me down, supposedly due to lack of choice or something. I don't think he was human, because between me going to the Old pool once, and going back, I got the impression that a fair amount of time had passed, and we were both still the same - he was gardening a bit behind the pool I think. I remember mentioning something to him about what we could have had, and he was regretful, but still acting like he hadn't had a real choice. It came across to me as slightly weak.

I got a strong sense from my womb, though...a sense of strength...before I woke, so maybe I missed something between what I dreamt and what happened, I made it to pregnant? hmm.

5-5-2007, between 4 and 6pm.